photo credit to livingsocial.com
Remember that awesome holiday party you attended last week? Come on, you totes remember the punch and the homemade shortbread, with those sprinkles, you were scarfing down. Then, when no one was looking, you puked in the potted plant next to the bathroom door – do you remember how it looked? All wet, gross and riddled with the red and green sprinkles, okay – do you have that visual in your mind – that is NOT what your apartment door, front lawn or roof resemble come Christmas.
I love the holidays and relish in the many ways people choose to decorate their homes; I even make special trips down to Holt Renfrew, every year, during the holiday shopping season, just to stand across the street and marvel at the window displays. There has always been something uniquely beautiful about the holiday season – the silver and gold, if you will – am I pretty much over the ugly Christmas decorations people insist on displaying all. over. their. properties … for all to see.
There are far too many homeowners living in my neighbourhood with horrendously ugly christmas decorations, which they have literally littered their properties with. I will not discuss the inflatable snowmen lining some of the narrow streets, the mismatched christmas lights swirled awkwardly into sparse evergreens, the inappropriately high wreaths nailed to front doors, nor will I attempt to touch the sad affinity, some have, for constructing their own versions of the nativity scene, on their front lawns. I have never been very religious but I honestly do not remember, during the handful of church sermons I was forced to endure in my childhood, Elvis being one of the three wise men.
What we will discuss are the armies of four-foot plastic Frostys, Santa Clauses and Rudolphs arranged, in a row, on several roofs.
Why?
Because they are disgusting and need to be destroyed, discontinued and the remaining models incinerated. You would think, in a neighbourhood, where most residents spend upwards to two hundred dollars on a garbage can, which houses nothing more then their household waste, in between garbage days, would show similar need to flaunt their wealth during the holidays.
My parents have always believed christmas decorations are an investment, a mindset adopted from their parents. A lot of the decorations and ornaments we have hung on the christmas tree, wrapped around the banisters and strung outside were passed down throughout the years – and, believe me, there is NOT one cheap plastic piece in the mix.
We can all protect ourselves from passersby crying out in horror when they walk by, or dry-heaving into your bushes; so, here we go.
1. Take a walk and know your competition. There is nothing worse than being the only house in the neighbourhood which does not fit, so choose the colours accordingly. For example, if your neighbours have hung white and silver lights then you should have white lights in your design plan … throw in a colour; try white lights with every other colour being red or green.
The effect will be similar to a wrapped, luminescent, candy-cane you created as the foundation to your overall design. As an added bonus, not only will you fit in with the rest, but it will still draw peoples eye to your home, in a good way.
2. Know your limits and keep within them. There are always those people, maybe you are one of them, who just cannot see when enough is enough – the entire property does NOT need to be touched by decorations. Less is more, please believe me when I say that.
Choose one large decoration, and pair it with a few smaller decorations. Something which always looks classically beautiful is white lights wrapped into artificial garland hung on the posts on our porch – my mother matches the garland to the wreath she hangs on the door.
3. Say no to plastic and always remember that. Those christmas decorations you see in Canadian Tire, Zellers or Walmart during the holidays, you need to step away from the aisle … in fact, I need you to pretend it does not exist. I know they are cute and they draw you in with their cute little smiles and charming airbrushed little faces but they will only drag you down.
Way down, like into the trench terrible. And when it happens to rain or the snow melts, then those plastic decorations look absolutely horrendous … the paint chips, the plastic cracks and they are targets for drunken teenagers to take their frustrations out on.
Do you want to clean-up broken plastic? The answer is no, when will you all learn, the answer is always no!
4. Wreaths should be hung at eye-level, ’nuff said.
5. On the subject of nativity scenes … please, leave them to the religious institutions. You are not Pastor Bob or the Bishops Wife and you do not need to build a four foot manger that houses real hay and those plastic characters.
So, there we go.
Please follow these easy tips and we can all be friends this holiday, stray away from them and I will hurl coal at your plastic reindeer.
Do you have photos of some horrendous decorations you need to show someone? Send them and whatever tips you want to thetwentiesproject@gmail.com
The Twenties Project 